


Ultimately

by Nigamiestmajeur_e



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nigamiestmajeur_e/pseuds/Nigamiestmajeur_e
Summary: Grown. Cut. Hidden. Scared. Silent. Deadly. Sharp. Thorned. Pink.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 53





	1. Nightmare

He was running towards her. Towards them. He was fast. He was destroying the ground. He didn't care. He just wanted her. He just wanted them. He was running, no, he was slipping, watching nothing but their faces. The boy with a scar on his eye, the girl with jewelry on her ears, the lady with golden hair, and those colorful people, and those colorful aliens. And HER. He wanted them. He wanted HER. They were far away from him but he was getting closer, and closer, and closer, and finally he caught them in his arms, in his legs. Don't leave me. Don't leave me ! DON'T LEAVE ME ! I JUST WANT YOU TO LOVE ME ! He caught them and they choked, he caught them and they screamed but he didn't care. They couldn't leave, and for once he was controlling something and it felt so good. He wounded them, he wound himself around them. And SHE was screaming, he held tighter, dark liquid dripping from his eyes, from his mouth, dripping on her and she was choking, she was drowning on her pretty clothes, with her pretty faces, and her pretty hair like a bellflower. He was killing her, like the human he wasn't anymore. Harmful. Stained. Corrupted. He was a monster, a terrible monster. A worm full of spikes, his right eye glowing like a dying star, and he was suffocating his friends. But he couldn't stop himself, no, this was his true nature, this was his true form. This was his future.

* * *

"NOOOOOOOOO !!!"  
Steven wakes up in the middle of the night, sweaty and fighting for breath. Tears close to his eyes, both his eyes. The tiredness envelops him again like a cage he can't escape because it's not the first time he has this nightmare, actually it's been this way since the incident with the cactus two weeks ago. His house is repaired, his friends are safe, everything is ok. Or is it ? Quickly, Steven jumps from his bed and goes down the stairs right into the bathroom. Just in case. We don't know. He looks at his reflection, a sad, terrified reflection, with bags under his eyes, both his eyes, his hair a mess, his head a mess, his smile twisted upside down. But no horns, no violet skin, nothing of the monster he sees every night since a cactus showed him his true nature. A gardener. A liar. A jailer. A culprit. A diamond.  
No. No no no please no. He watches himself and can't stand what he sees. He can't stand his reflection, he can't stand himself, he wants to cry, he wants to scream, he wants to sleep, he wants to disappear. He wants to erase that glimpse of pink in his eyes. He wants to erase that gem on his belly. He wants to erase his gem. He wants to erase his power. He wants to erase that monster.

> He dreamed once that he only caught her, just HER. Come to me, come to me, come to me, comet o me co metom e cometo me c ometome cometome cometomeco me to me cometomecometomecometomecometomecometome. She pushed him but he screamed, he begged her to stay, he ordered her to stay, to be with him. Be mine. And he stung her with one of his horns, one of his thorns, and she calmed down, be mine, and she went closer, and she embraced him, and she kissed him, and her skin were burning on his. Be Mine. It was bad, it was bad, it was bad, she kissed him too much, her skin were burning like hell, her touch became poisoned and he looked at her while she desperately wanted to touch him, to give way to him, to belong to him. The worst was he didn't stop her, he let her stroke him, that what he was craving for. BE MINE BE MINE BE MINE. Tied to him for all eternity, possessed by him until the end of time. Then he saw her skin turning violet, her eyes turning pink, her voice being disembodied while she was saying that she loved him.  
> Steven woke up the moment he swallowed his best friend, he swallowed Connie.

  
Yes, Steven remembers that nightmare. It makes him want to vomit when he remembers that nightmare. It makes him want to vomit to see himself in the mirror. A monster. Inhuman. He wants to tear his gem apart. He wants to stop everything. He wants to stop him. He wants to shatter himself. So he punches the mirror on the wall and feels his fingers cracking, his skin being cut, the pain in his hand. Good. He deserves that pain. He deserves that punishment. He is used to it, to suffer for something he has no control of. But this time, at last, he controls his pain. Good. Now he can't feel the touch of the Connie from his nightmare anymore, the scarlet liquid intertwined around his wrist instead of Connie's palm. No more desire of that tactile sensation, he doesn't deserve that, he doesn't own that. Without even caring if he is going to get cut again, he picks up the fragments between his fingers and puts it in the trash. The gems didn't hear him, they are sleeping in their rooms, his Dad can't hear him, he is in his van, Connie can't hear him, she is far away. He takes a towel and he cleans everything, and when it's almost back to normal, he washes his hand, watching the blood disappearing in the sink. Good. Good good good good. He is not going to heal himself. He wants to see the blood, HIS blood, not someone else's blood, running on his hand. He wants to see his blood, it makes him feel less like a monster.

Because here's the thing : gems don't bleed.


	2. Heavydirtysoul

The morning is as painful as yesterday.

Steven stares into emptiness while the waves crashes on his feet, reminding him to drink his almond milk. He wonders if the ocean can wash him of all the sins he made in his dreams. And if the milk can clean him right inside. Making the stains disappear... No, don't think about it. Think about the stains on your hand. He patched his fingers with some bandages, from his phalanxes to his palm, and the bandages are stained with blood and it's okay. It's better than okay. He is bleeding. Not to much but at least he is bleeding red instead of black. At least the stains are red instead of violet.

He continues to watch the sun rises until his cup is empty and then turns to see his house, to see if there is a Crystal Gem behind him, but no, they are still in their rooms, sleeping or planning the next lessons or training or reading.   
How lucky of them.

"Hey Steven !"

Steven screams and drops his cup into the sand before Bismuth picks it up with a laugh. She just came out of the ocean, her beautiful rainbow hair dripping, her incredibly shaped gem sparkling.

"Bismuth ! says Steven. What are you doing here ?   
\- I was retrieving some sand in the bottom of the ocean to make glass ! Peridot needs it for her... shenanigans. I also collected shells and corals, wanna see ?   
\- Yeah, maybe later. I'm going into town so I need to get ready.   
\- Hum... Steven ?"

Softly, Bismuth takes Steven's arm and he tries really hard to not shout at her. He doesn't want her to touch him. He doesn't want ANYONE to touch him.   
He is sharp.

"What happened to your hand ? And why didn't you heal it ?   
\- I guess I'm tired to fix everything so I can pretend it never happened, he says sharply."   
He lies. And Bismuth may have been the newest Crystal Gems, she is a fast learner.   
"You know, we Gems are hurt sometimes, and we don't have scars, but that doesn't mean we pretend nothing happened."   
Steven shivers.   
"That's exactly the opposite of what is happening to Pink Pearl, he says, his voice sounding bitter.   
\- Is that what this is all about ? Volleyball ?   
\- N... No, it's just...   
\- Is this about your mom ?   
\- Why are you saying that ?   
\- Because healing was your mom's power, and it seems to me that you doesn't want it anymore."

Gosh, she is so clever, isn't she ? Always listening to him, always caring for him.   
Always seeing the human inside of him.

"It's been a long time since I understood that you didn't want to look like your mom. And... well... ha... you know I was pretty glad you weren't like her."   
You were the only one to hope I wasn't like her.   
"But now you... you refuse that legacy and...   
\- Which... which legacy, Bismuth ?"

He can't control it, the anger, the sadness, everything that overflow him every time he thinks about his mom, about Rose, about Pink. About the Diamond.

"You mean, the mess she made, that legacy ? She was... She was... What she did to Pearl, to Volleyball, to you, to Spinel, to her own family !"   
He's grinding his teeth, Bismuth can see it.   
"She didn't even fix her mistakes ! Healing powers ? Ha ! That's pretty ironic. She was mean, brutal and she...   
\- She wasn't like that, in the end. And I know it's easier to think there are good people and bad people. People you can hate and people you can love. And it's easier to think your mom was a bad person, easier to hate her, so you're sure you will not become like her. But it's more complicated than that. I mean, look at Lapis and me. Lapis was doing everything she could to stay alive and I was raging against a system I didn't want anymore. We ended up fighting each other and now... Now we are okay, now I think we even are friends ! Because we changed, and your mom changed too.   
\- Yes, but this was possible because you two came back. But SHE, all she did was running away ! She ran away from her home ! I know living with White and the others wasn't probably easy but that's not an excuse ! We're going to forgive everyone because 'they had a bad childhood' ? And so what, that means I can't make mistakes because I had a good childhood ?   
\- Did you have a good childhood ?   
\- Well, yeah !"

Bismuth makes a face.

"Steven, I love the Crystal Gems but I know that you handled theirs problems while you were a child. And you're still a child, you're not supposed to know everything.   
\- I may be a child, but I have all those powers which could help people and I can't... am NOT going to run away LIKE A COWARD !"

And Steven goes pink.   
Bismuth heard Pearls talking about how the little human turned pink back in the Shell when he was enraged because of his mother but... It's not what she expected. It looks way more dangerous and, she realizes by looking directly at Steven's eyes, really, really sad.

"You're freaking SCARED to look like your mom.   
\- My powers are growing, Bismuth, he says while watching his hands, his bandages, and it doesn't bleed anymore oh no it doesn't bleed and he can't smash something to make himself bleed now because now he is too powerful he could destroy his house he could destroy his town he doesn't even need enemies to put his world in danger anymore. I can't control it.   
\- Of course you can ! she says softly. You're stronger than you think. Not with your muscles but with your heart. If your powers are growing, well, maybe it's because you're growing up too.   
\- But I don't want that ! I don't need that ! I just..."

No. No way it's because of him. It must be his powers. It must be his gem messing things like it always did, but at least it wasn't too harmful back when he was... when he was...   
"I want things to go back to the way they were. I want..."   
And then, the solution pops up in his head, a solution so simple, so obvious that he wonders why he didn't have this idea before.   
"I want a rejuvenator."

Bismuth watches him, more terrified by him now than when he was glowing a diamond's color.   
"What did you just say ?   
\- You know where to find one, right ?   
\- Even if I knew, I would never tell you. I can't let you... damage yourself like that.   
\- Fine !"   
The sand around Steven start to twirl.   
"I don't care if you don't want to help me. I know someone who can.   
\- Steven, no !"

But too late, Steven runs into his house, into his bedroom and into his crystal-domed conservatory, to his Warp Pad. He knows exactly who he needs to see right now, and even though he haven't seen her for months, he is sure she will do as he asks. Without the shadow of a doubt, he activates the Warp Pad, sending him away from his planet, from his galaxy.

Back to Homeworld.


	3. Lights up

The Throne Room is different since the last time Steven has been here. Mostly, the pink throne, the littlest and lowest one, is different : instead of being in the shape of a diamond, it's the shape... of a heart. That's... good. That means Spinel is included in the Diamond family.   
That goes well. Swell even. Haha. Well.   
Too well.   
No.   
Don't think about it.   
You did something right at the end. You fixed something your mom broke. You helped the Diamonds and Spinel both.

Where are the Diamonds and Spinel anyway ? Maybe playing hide and seek or... Watching closely, Steven sees three gems sit next to the throne, so he gets out of the Warp Pad and starts walking calmly. He knows Bismuth can't follow him, since the Warp Pad in his conservatory can only be activated if he is inside and also since nobody can arrived by the Throne Warp Pad except the Diamonds and him. Slowly, he arrives next to the gems who are playing with a deck of cards, and to his surprise it's not any gems, but Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl and... Pink Pearl. Volleyball.   
He is relieved his pinky glowing faded after his drift.

"Hey Pearls !   
\- Oh, hey your Highness ! says Yellow Pearl with a sarcastic voice (which is actually her normal voice). It's been a while !   
\- Hello Steven, says Volleyball with a smile."   
She seems happy, almost free, and maybe, MAYBE, Steven did something else good after all.   
But who is he kidding, her scar is still visible. Her pain still here. Her struggle maybe infinite.   
"But not mine, thinks Steven. Not for long."   
Maybe he should rejuvenate her too...

"What are you doing here ? asks Blue Pearl.   
\- I'm looking for Spinel.   
\- That's funny because everyone is looking for her, answers Yellow Pearl.   
\- She's missing ?"   
Now, Steven starts to worry.   
"Well, the Diamonds didn't see her for, let's say, what you could call ten hours on Earth and they are getting carried away.   
\- Spinel can be harmful to herself, explains Blue Pearl gently.   
\- No, says Yellow Pearl. It's just that the Diamonds can no longer function without Spinel. We tried to calm them down but...   
\- They don't care about anything else that Spinel."

Volleyball has such a strange tone. She knows what she is talking about. She knows what this is to see someone who can think of nothing but their obsession.   
Just let them adore her. They only want her, just HER. Be mine be mine be mine be mine be mi...   
"You're okay Steven ? You look pale, says Volleyball.   
\- I'm okay I'm okay. I'll find White.   
\- If you find her, please tell her to not send an entire army in search of a single gem.   
\- She wouldn't do that."

But the Pearls look at him like he is a stranger. He spent two years with the Diamonds after all, but what ? Does he even know them at all ? But... she wouldn't do that... for Spinel. For him, probably, but for her ? Why ? What changed ?

"And if you find Spinel, tell her we invented a new game, says Blue Pearl. She will love it.   
\- So, everything is fine between you and her ?"   
\- Yeah ! says Volleyball. Last time I saw her, she made me a crown of flowers."   
Yellow and Blue Pearls watch Volleyball with a grin.   
"Among other things.   
\- What did you say ? Volleyball blushes.   
\- Nothing, nothing ! Anyway, you should go Steven. I doubt Spinel is near this place."

Steven turns around and goes on the Warp Pad, but just before he drifts away, Yellow Pearls screams :   
"Don't turn this into an interlude !   
\- What do you mean ?"   
He vanishes.

* * *

Finding White isn't that hard, she's the tallest Diamond after all. And if she can play the invisible threat for a long time by staying in her room, once she is out, she attracts attention.   
The tallest and the brightest.   
The deadliest.   
But for an ancient ruler of a dictatorship expanded through the universe, she doesn't look much deadly when she is walking back and forth while wringing her hands. She doesn't look much deadly with concern on her eyes. Steven never saw her eyes like this, he never saw her like this.   
What changed ?

"Are you okay White ?   
\- Hum? Oh. It's you."

She quickly waves at him and walks back and forth again. What ? Few months ago, she would do anything to see him, ready to leave her own planet to stay with him, and now she doesn't even care about him ? Not that he minds, but... Okay maybe a little.

"You're... You're looking for Spinel ?   
\- Did you see her ????"   
Her eyes goes wide and she watches him this time, closely, really closely, and Steven thinks gosh the Pearls are right, the Diamonds can no longer function without Spinel.   
What changed ?

"No, I didn't. I wonder where she...   
\- I should send a battalion searching for her in every planet.   
\- You can't do that.   
\- Why not ? I rule this planet, I rule those lower lifeforms."

Steven shivers. No. It can't be. White is... White is...

"Why are you so mean right now ?"   
He thought she wanted to start a new life, he thought she wanted to be a better Diamond, he thought she wanted to... change.

He realizes he never asked himself how easy it was to change White's mind.

No. It can't be. Why... Why ?   
"The new order, the new authority, you didn't do it because you were nicer. You..."   
He wants to ask even if he knows the answer. Deep down, he has always known. But it just can't accept it. No. Never. Because if that's the case, that means... that means...   
"White, why did you do it ?"   
Please don't say it.   
"Because you told me so."

No. No. She wasn't kind. She wasn't nice. She just obeyed. She never knew something else. To rule or to obey.   
Nothing changed at all.   
But then how... and why ?

"Why ? Why me ? Why did you start to obey ME ? Rose was so upset that you never listened to her, but me ? You did everything as I say ? Why ? So that you could... forgive yourself ?"   
White watches Steven, her look as cold as stone, a shiny, transparent, sharp stone.

She isn't kind. She isn't nice. She just obeys. Nothing change. To rule or to obey.

But obey... to whom ?   
"Oh Steven ! You're so... pink !"   
Yes, he is. He turned pink again, second time in one day. This is new. This is bad. But he can't help himself. He tried to make things better, he tried to make a difference, but all the Diamonds wanted was a new Pink, a new toy, and gosh he left Spinel with them, he left that poor gem with them, he left someone else to live the same nightmare his mother had, he didn't want to deal with the Diamonds again, he didn't want to deal with Spinel.

He abandoned Spinel.

Oh no. No. He looks at his hands again, he sees the pinky glow again, he watches the stainless bandages again, his mom's powers again, his mom's mistakes again.   
He isn't better than his mom.   
HE ISN'T BETTER THAN HIS MOM.   
He doesn't notice how White is close to him, how White is watching him, how White tries to touch him until it's too late.   
Her finger brushes against his chin and she becomes pink.   
Completely, utterly pink.

And so he hears. Inside her head.  
Her voice, muffled into a pink cloud, muffled by his own voice, an echo of him saying "what's your excuse what's your excuse what's your excuse" but her voice still here, he can hear it too, why is there his voice inside White's head but deep down he has always known of course it's obvious he has done it before, to go inside someone's head, but here White's voice is suffocating until he hears it, speaking, SCREAMING.

"Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. I need to be perfect.   
\- What's your excuse what's your excuse what's your   
\- I don't need an excuse, it's just who I am, who I am supposed to be. You can't change the way I feel you can't change the way I am.   
\- Change change change change change change   
\- White Blue Yellow Pink White Blue Yellow Pink White Blue Yellow   
\- Pink is gone. She's gone. She's gone.   
\- We need Pink. We need Pink to be complete. We need Pink.   
\- Just let us adore you adore you adore you adore you adore you adore you   
\- Spinel Spinel Spinel Spinel Spinel Spinel Spinel   
\- Perfect.   
\- I need to be perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out get out get out GET OUT OF MY HEAD"

Steven chokes in his own tears while he is going away from White who looks confused. Of course. It makes sense now.   
How easy it was to change the mind of the ruler of a dictatorship expanded through the universe.   
Easy. She didn't have a choice. He forced her. He caught her and she choked, he caught her and she screamed but he didn't care. She couldn't leave, and for once he was controlling something and it felt so good. He wounded her, he wound himself around her.   
He was a monster since the very beginning.

He needs to delete it. He needs to delete himself. He runs to the closest Warp Pad, biting his hand so the blood would come back. He has to find Spinel, to use a rejuvenator, to destroy all the bad things he did to White. The pain in his chest is unbearable, nothing compared to the pain in his hand. And one thing is crossing his mind while he is running, a thought so terrible, so dreadful that it forms a shape of a gigantic butterfly ready to devour him.

If she didn't really love him, who does ?


	4. Soft Universe

She is in the garden. Of course she is in the garden. The only place where nobody looked after her, for 6000 years. Steven arrives, his hand filled with blood, as he walks slowly towards her, towards Spinel. Lonely, incredible, forgotten and fierce Spinel, watching the endless sky in the middle of a dead garden. Steven arrives and he sees her, with her hair and her shoulders looking like spikes, her red eyes of infinite despair, the strange color of her body. He sees her, he sees a monster.   
She is the mirror he wants to punch.

"Steven ?"

He wants to punch her, to punch the worm that wound him, wound his friends, wound Garnet, that violet worm spilling poison from her mouth, from an injector. She is a mirror.

"Steven ? Why do you have a reversed heart on your chest ?"

Steven doesn't understand what Spinel is talking about until he looks down at his shirt and he sees. He sees the yellow star he worn since the beginning of his existence, the yellow star that was his mom's legacy, the yellow star that was his symbol... surrounded by darkness and cut by his favorite jacket. It looks like a reversed heart. Steven never paid attention to that, but now that's all that matters. His heart, his heart, his heart, his heart his heart his heart his heart.  
He looks down and he sees how many flowers were crushed under his feet and he doesn't care he hurts he damages he destroys that's all he can do now he's bad he's so bad he's the villain of the story.

"Steven ?"

He looks up again and Spinel is here, close to him, close of him. And she was left behind, in a dead garden, for 6000 years.   
And Steven starts to cry. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Gosh he is so pitiful. He is 17, almost an adult, but he is crying like a child. He saved the entire universe but he still didn't save... didn't save...  
"I'm sorry I left you."

She is the mirror of his own mistakes. Not Pink's. Not Rose's. Not even the Gems'. HIS mistakes. He can't help but falling slowly, ending up sitting on the grey grass, and Spinel sits in front of him, waiting for him to stop crying. Few months ago, she probably would have said a joke or have danced to make him laugh. But she doesn't. Maybe she learnt more than him how to keep people happy.

"Do you remember... he says. Do you remember when you said that I change for the better and you change for worst ?  
\- While I was trying to kill you ? Kinda hard to forget.  
\- Well, you were wrong.  
\- About killing you ? Yeah, I guess.  
\- No, I... I mean... When you said that I change for the better. I'm not. I'm changing for the worst. It even started before we fought, when I told you you needed someone to love you."  
Oh yes, he did that too. How messed-up he is.  
"You don't. You don't need someone. As long as you love yourself.  
\- It's kinda hard to love myself these days.  
\- I know the feeling.  
\- What... YOU ? Really ? The one who fused with himself when he was young ?"

Steven stares at her with surprise. He never mentioned this moment to anyone, not even the Crystal Gems. Only Connie... Connie... Connie talked about this a few times, having nightmares of Steven dying without his gem.   
How did she know...

"White Diamond told me.  
\- Oh.  
\- She talked a loooooot about you. How much you reminded her of Pink. Then how much I reminded her of Pink. And always being close to me, always by my side, so afraid I was going to leave like Pink or you did. It was suffocating, it was..."

She sighs.

"It was like then I was with you, wasn't it ?"

Steven remembers how she hold his hand while he was trying to save his friends. Steven remembers how he imprisoned his friends into a dome.  
"Yes. You were... you were suffocating."  
He can't lie. He can't lie to HER. Not anymore.  
"Ha ! I get it now. Why you didn't want me. Why Pink didn't want me.  
\- Spinel, it's not...  
\- I shouldn't have done that, I know it now. I don't want to be like White.  
\- Actually, I don't think she want to be herself too.  
\- Eh ?  
\- I think that I put something in White, something that makes her love me. That's why she was nice to every gems, to please me so I could stay with her. And I think that now her attention is turned to you.  
\- That would explain a lot of things indeed. But... that means the Diamonds don't really love me ?  
\- I... I'm...  
\- That's okay Steven. I already knew it anyway. They never loved me, they just loved the part of me that looks like Pink."

Spinel stays quiet for a moment and they just stand there, looking at each other and waiting for the next question, the next wrong thing they did to each other. But they don't know who will start. Or even how.

"You know Spinel, the boy finally says. The first time we met, you asked me if I was Steven Universe. Not Pink Diamond, not Rose Quartz, just Steven. It's funny, isn't it ? You're the only gem who was really close to kill me but also the only gem who saw me for who I am. Who wanted to kill me because you knew the real me.  
\- That's so wrong, Steven.  
\- I know, he laughs.  
\- Anyway, it doesn't surprise me. Everything is wrong with me. I'm supposed to give love, but I'm made from destruction.  
\- What do you mean ?"

Spinel points a planet, not far away above the garden. It's a white little planet with craters that make it looks like the Earth's Moon, but it has a gigantic hole in the shape of a heart... A heart... Like Spinel's gem...

"I was built in this planet, explains Spinel, with the injector that I used to damage your Earth.  
\- So THAT'S where it came from, replies Steven while trying to forget that it took an entire planet to create Spinel gosh what the actual hell. But there were still some liquid in it ?  
\- No, someone gave me the liquid.  
\- Who ?  
\- The same who gave me a weapon."

Stevens doesn't want to use the rejuvenator on himself anymore. He just stopped thinking about it. He just want to talk to her now. And stay in the garden.

"How would you have done without your weapons to hurt me ?  
\- There's always a way to hurt people, Steven."

He doesn't want to use the rejuvenator, because, really, what is the point ? Even without his powers, he could still hurt his friends. To believe that everything is his gem's fault was the easiest way to deal with it. But Bismuth was right, his powers are the reflection of his heart, and his heart is twisted.

"Did you really want to give my memory back ? After you used the rejuvenator on me ?"  
He can't lie. He can't lie to HER.  
"No."  
He thinks she is going to go berserk or to cry, to tell him how vicious or mean he is, but instead she only shrugs her shoulders. Somehow, it feels a little bit scarier.  
"I think I understand, she says.  
\- You're not angry at me ? Spinel it's... I don't know, maybe I put a spell on you too...  
\- You think everyone who cares about you only does because of your powers ? I don't think Peridot, Lapis or Bismuth changed their mind to please you. Not that I know them very well but for what I remember before we fought, they seemed to look after you."

She is right. Peridot didn't simply change like White did. Maybe something happened back in the Throne Room because he was unfused, maybe his powers were different after that or maybe it was when Gem Steven used his shield. Who knew ?

"Also, for someone who thinks he can control people's mind, you have quite the enemies.  
\- Haha, you're right."  
Jasper.  
"But you shouldn't worry too much about it Steven. You're... you're a great guy. A lot of people admire you and I know why. You're the kindest person I've ever met and I wanted to be your friend so badly because you're... well... you're amazing. I don't think I would deserve a friend like you but...  
\- You ARE my friend.  
\- I am ?"

Suddenly, Spinel's colors seems brighter. Her hair, her skin, her eyes, her outfit, her entire gemsoma seems to be lighter. Her gem is shining.

"Yeah, you're strong and sensitive, and goofy and smart. And funny ! You made me laugh a few times since I'm here after all."

She blushes, and she slowly sits right newt to him, her shoulder almost against his, he takes her hand and she smiles, it's such a pure smile, not the one he saw the first time they met, not the one he saw when she reseted as her "best friend", not the one he saw when he told her she could find someone, someday, somewhere somehow. No. She seems truly happy, and he feels happy too.

She says :  
"You saw me. You sees me. I would love to be your friend."  
And then, her gem is brighter, and Steven's gem is brighter too, and there's something, something new, something strange... something weird. Wait. No. Something wrong. Something with thorns, with violet skin, with shinning pink eyes and...

Spinel jumps away from Steven so that something becomes anything. Her eyes gleams of happiness but her face looks concerned.  
"Steven we... we can't fuse. I don't know why but I feel that if we fuse, something bad will happen and...  
\- You don't have to explain yourself. I think you're right. We're... We're not ready.  
\- Will we ever be ?  
\- I don't know. But I want to try."

That seems enough for both our pinky gems. They watches the horizon together, a weird, familiar, grey but fertile horizon, just her and him, standing alone. The world is theirs.   
Yes it is.

"We could stay here forever, says Spinel. The pad is made so only you and I can come here. No White, no Blue, no Yellow. The ultimate secret garden.  
\- I think I will starve to death."  
She chuckles.  
"And I think White will tear the whole universe apart if she doesn't find me. I should go back home.  
\- But... what if she suffocates you again ?  
\- It's okay. I can handle this. Besides, if she doesn't suffocate me, she suffocates you and if she doesn't suffocate you... that means that whatever you did to her faded and we will go back into a dictatorship again. And I kinda love your happily ever after.  
\- I can't leave you again.  
\- You won't ! We could see each other here. When White is too much, I take refuge here and it feels swell. You could come here too. That would be our haven."  
Steven watches the horizon again, so empty, so grey, until it hits him. He knows exactly what to do.

* * *

The Crystal Gems, all of them, waited for him in the conservatory, worried as hell. When Steven comes back, he sees Pearl's tears, Amethyst's messy hair, Garnet's eyes, and Peridot, and Lapis, and Bismuth who told them everything.   
They love him.   
And he loves them so much.

He calms them down with a smile, takes their hands, promises that he will never think about using a rejuvenator again. And then he asks for their help. His dad is in the corner too, his poor dad, nobody cares about his dad, about his feelings because he always seems to deal with everything but Steven can stare at his terrified face now that he doesn't have his long hair and gosh how is he doing it.   
He asks for his dad's help too, a task so simple, so human, it's a relief, it's back to normal, it's not dangerous, deadly, not thorned.   
Almost.

Steven takes all the flowers, Onion, Lars, even Connie and put them on the pad. He takes his dad's old TV, he takes a sofa, a radio, a cassette player, some cassettes, some boards, some board games, he takes instruments, and paints, and canvas, and he takes books, lots and lots of books, and a generator made by Peridot.   
And he sends them in Spinel's garden.

They put the sofa and the TV in one corner, they build a cabin with the boards... and put the board games in it. And they place the flowers everywhere in the garden, the radio singing a soft song... "Your body is a garden / Cared for or forgotten"... Spinel shows him where to put some type of flowers, explains to him which one loves sun, which one loves water, which one loves other flowers, and Steven understands that not only Spinel was Pink's "toy", but she also was the guardian of the garden. And Pink let her to watch her garden dying. But Steven doesn't care about it now. What good would that make to be angry ? What good would that make to be angry at Pink, at Rose, at her gem ?   
She's gone now. It would take more time to fix the mess she made than just with a magic spit, but Steven wants to try.

When they're finished, Steven takes his ukulele and plays some music, his hand healed, while Spinel is playing with the bandages he took off. She tears and uses only the clean parts that she paints in gold, then plaints it to make a bracelet. A bracelet for her friend. A bracelet for Steven. Golden, like his heart, like his star, like the path he promised to take.

Finally, they knows when it's time to come home, and Spinel goes back to White Diamond, and Steven goes back to Earth.   
He explains patiently everything that happened with White and Spinel, still avoiding the fact that he thinks he is manipulating the Diamond. He explains patiently everything that happened with Cactus Steven, all the things he didn't want to tell them, to the Gems, even to his dad and they listen, they reassure him, they feel guilty but at least now they are carrying this burden together. They talk and they cry and they feel better. They decide to have dinner together and at some point Greg says "If every pork-chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hotdogs !  
\- You know I'm a vegetarian now, right ?  
\- Oh yeah ! Well... let's find something that suits you then... What about... If every day was without rain, we wouldn't have rainbows !"  
It's perfect. The dinner is perfect. His family is perfect. His life is less perfect, but...

The sun is setting, Steven is back at the beach, the waves crashes on his feet like before, like everything stays the same, but deep down it keeps changing. Steven feels different. Slightly. He takes his phone and calls someone. Not just someone. Here he is in the future, he doesn't know if it's bright. He doesn't know if he will be okay, someday, somewhere, somehow. He doesn't know exactly when his heart twisted, he doesn't know if he can make it better, since the solution is not to make things go back to the way they were.   
He doesn't know if he can be better.  
But he really, REALLY want to try.

And for that, he needs to call someone. The phone is ringing and then, SHE picks up.

"Connie ?"


End file.
